This What You Really Wanted, Huh???

17 Feb

Today was definitely a roller coaster. For starters, I worried all night long about the loss of my daycare assistance and it turned out I had nothing to worry about. I just have to go to a recertification appointment, fill out some paperwork and I am on my way. Prior to getting that little bit of info that I might have to pay full price for daycare (Chunk’s is 221 a week Beasley’s is 156….yeah a mortgage payment), I was all strung out over my breakup with The Friend ( who I received word via another female on FB that he is a chronic d-bag among the other things she told me…apparently he was living with her before he picked up in the same fashion and moved in with me)but let me tell you, when the daycare director handed me that letter The Friend was the last thing on my mind. So, today after that crisis was adverted, what do I turn my attentions to? My broken heart. Like a dumb ass, I text the friend some random thing and he got bent out of shape and texted back, and then I called him. This is where shit went left. To sum up the conversation he informed me he never wanted to talk to me again and he also let me know that he was never with me nor was he ever going to be with me. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I couldn’t say anything. I was just left speechless. Then after the longest awkwardest pause in history he asked me if I was going to add him to my cell phone plan. Enter a very confused look here. But what is worst is I agreed because he told me I need to learn how to keep my word (a few months back I promised him I would get him a phone to replace the one I took back from him when we first met–long story). Jesus be some self esteem and a backbone. After I hung up with him, I began to think why do I do this to myself. I gotta accept personal responsibility for this one. People can only treat you how you let them treat you. This behavior is a horrible unhealthy pattern that I carry from relationship to relationship. For example, for my previous blog readers, I did this same thing with Ronnie Mexico. He would go on and on about why we couldn’t “be together” and what did I do? Buy him stuff in hopes that he would see how much I cared. I did the same thing for the youngin that I was canoodling with this summer. You know what happened at the end of both of those fiascos? I realized that I could have given these men a million dollars and I still wouldn’t have been good enough. I deserve better. I deserve someone who likes me and wants me without having to buy their acceptance and love. This isn’t about keeping my word this is about trying to get The Friend to pick me, love me, but that is not going to happen. The sooner I realize that, the better I will be. This has been a learning experience and what I learned is to listen to my Mama (she called this happening months ago) and to know my worth. For years I have involved myself with these “men” and I did so not knowing my worth, so I let them tell me what it was. So, new point on the Pursuit of Happiness 2011, is to discover my worth and stand firm in my convictions. It may not be popular, and it may mean I will have a hard time dating, but at least when I do find someone (or he finds me) I will have the courage to say no when it is needed. The appeal of The Friend was he is popular and as a person who grew up extremely unpopular, being with him made me feel like I had finally made it to being one of the “cool kids”. The problem with that is I am not in high school anymore and being one of the “cool kids” should be my last concern. Plus, we all know what happened to a majority of the “cool kids”….just browse your FB list and come back to that one. I don’t know where to start, but I know that the change starts with me, and I need to close that chapter and move on. The hard part is just finding the strength to do so.

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