The Old Settler

17 Jul

Tonight I am baby free for the first time in awhile. You would think that I would use this time to go out, but I spent my time running errands and cleaning up the house. It is amazing what you can do when you do not have a one year old underfoot. After 4 hours of cleaning I can say I have the neatest refrigerator and the cleanest living room. Ever.

I concluded my night watching Jumping the Broom with a gentleman caller (we shall call him Georgia). That movie brought to surface a lot of different emotions in me. First off, I love my son to life. As much as I love him, I think my diligence in keeping him a baby is going to be a problem later on in life. Children do not belong to us. My job is to raise Chunky and Beasley to be the best people they can be and then let them off into the world to be productive adults. I have a hard time doing this with Chunky. I am so scared of all the trouble that awaits him in the world. It would kill me if he ended up spending most of his life in some one’s prison or being a deadbeat dad to a bunch of kids. The statistics all say that this is how his life may end up. Chunky’s relationship with his father is non-existent so I am afraid that the lack of male influence will cause him to act out in other ways. I do a good job playing both parents, but it’s nothing like the real thing. That being said, I still can’t hold on to him so tight that I cripple his development. I was crushed this evening when Chunky stated (in toddler fashion) that he would rather go home with my mom than me. It left me feeling sad. He has always been about his mama…now he found someone new he loves…and the Chunky pie divides. It will keep dividing as he grows and forms new relationships. Chunky is not my husband. He has a life to live and he’s gonna live it. Besides, I should not be new to this: Miss Beasley had to grow up and I treated her like Nemo for the first 4 years of her life.

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