It has been a wonderful week, I was productive and I learned some new things.
I had a conversation with my sister today that was enlightening to say the least. Tonight I climbed up on my cross because J and I had dinner plans and they just completely fell apart, I guess. At any rate she said something that stuck in my head. She said, “you don’t need to be in a relationship.” I was mad as hell first but after further discussion, I really thought about what was saying. There is a place in me that is just dying to have that “one.”Someone who I could love and someone who loved me. But I am beginning to see that in my search for love I have turned into a codependent wreck. My heart is not healed from the heartache of my past and I keep hopping from place to place hoping to fill the void. After many futile attempts I realize that void can’t be filled by any single person. It’s fine to say “I have put my past behind me,” but what good is that when you really haven’t. She suggested I take a break and work on me and then revisit being in a relationship. If I don’t, even if J and I don’t work out I will just be carrying more baggage to the next one. I have a lot to think about tonight and I am going to pray on it and let Gods will be done. Sure it would suck to be alone but there is a pattern of me spazzing out every week and that’s not healthy.
I’m going to see my mama on Saturday and I’m excited. So with that I’m gonna head to bed. One day this will all make sense….good night