Making Peace

29 Aug

Today I looked at the calender and realized that I am approaching 33 in a few months and something I have done in the last month or so is made peace with who I am.

Let me explain, as I have gotten older, my patience is very thin.  I have survived the Terrible Two’s twice, I have worked in Oncology, I have worked across from a Rehab Hospital, I’ve been jilted three weeks before my wedding, married to a loser, experienced 36 hours of labor, damn near died in a credit union parking lot, and as of yesterday one of my former co-workers was hit and killed by a car yesterday.  When people come to me with what I deem as petty issues, I really fight to pretend to care because I have seen the ugly in life and life is much bigger than the shit people complain about.  Your feelings are hurt?  I don’t care.  There is someone that is fighting to learn to walk and talk again.  That is something I care about.  There is someone who has stage 4 lung cancer.  That is something I care about.  My filter is gone, and I will continue to say what I feel until these eyes close.  I want people to know exactly what I stood for be it popular opinion or not.  Am I selfish? Yes.  Do I participate in reindeer games? Yes.  Can I be messy? Absolutely. But that is who I am.  For years, I have accepted people for the way that they were but for some reason I always felt like I needed to change “they way I am.”  I’m done doing that.  I spent inordinate amounts of my life altering my opinions and behaviors just to fit in.  Do you know how miserable it is to live a life where you have lived the lie so long you don’t know who you are anymore?  Once I “found myself” I promised I would never go back to tap dancing for anyone.  With that being said, retracting yesterdays post is really bothering me.  Like REALLY bothering me.  I often wondered when the day would come when I would offend someone and what I would do.  The former me would have done exactly what I did yesterday.  Take it down, play nice, say that is not what you meant to say.  But the truth of the matter is this is MY BLOG and until yesterday I have never held back.  Taking that post down felt like I took a million steps back.  I put on my Capezios and started doing my time step.  If I let one person, sister or not dictate what is posted here, the ball just starts rolling and then my blog turns into “What We Think You Should Say.”  Will the post come back?  I thought of  a quote from House of Lies “You blow up your life everyday for your job.”  This is how I feel about my blog.  It’s my baby, my outlet, and yeah, I’m willing to get a little dirty to fight for what the content will and will not be here.


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