I can be the world’s biggest crybaby complainer, but I really want to express how good 2013 has been to me. There are many a day where I stop and look at my surroundings and I cry because I am SO far from where I was. People get tired of my wide eyed wonder at everything, but I spent the last 18 years of my life believing that I would never go far. Sometimes I think of how big my gravitas had to be to pack up my whole life and move 200 miles away. I can’t believe that I am that person….some days I still can’t believe that I am that person. With that being said, I want to highlight some of the awesomeness of 2013.
My Junior Margot Tennebaum
My daughter and I have struggled a lot in our relationship. Since I am all about honesty, I was a crappy mother for about three years of her life. During that time she virtually lived at my mother’s house while I first battled with mental illness and then with “the ex-husband.” There was a time I thought that she and I would never get back on track. She never says it, but she took a big leap too moving up here as well. With my parents she had stability, whereas with me, things in the past had been rocky. When we moved here, I made it my business that there would be no bald headed games. I wanted her to feel comfortable and to most importantly I wanted her to trust me. While we got where we were going in the trust department, the more I talked to her the more I realized that I didn’t know much about her, this broke my heart in a way that words could never explain. This year I promised I would listen more and with that I got to see I have the most AMAZING daughter in the world. She can DRAW! She loves musicals! Robyn is her favorite musical artist! She wants to be an orthopedic surgeon when she grows up! She wants to go to James Madison! She’s and introvert! I feel so horrible that she got lost in the shuffle of my life but I thank God everyday that I am still here to make it right. The goal this year is to continue to listen to her and nurture the person that she is.
My Little Husband
I will preface this by saying I love my son. He is just a delicious little ball of energy. He is confident, knows what he wants and outspoken. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I am pretty sure I am his favorite person in the world. Shoot, I KNOW I am his favorite person in the world. This is really sweet, but the line between mother and son is starting to get a little hairy. When we were at my mother’s house he was sitting on my lap while I talked to my mom and mid conversation he put his hand on my mouth and said, “Don’t talk.” I moved his hand and kept talking and he started crying, screaming, “I don’t want you to talk to anyone!!!!!!!” Whoa. I tried to explain to him that he was not the only person I know in the world and he just cried louder. After 5 minutes of this he announced that, “Now you can talk, Mama.” This isn’t something that just started, he’s always been this way. If he sees me talking to someone he will do everything in his power to cut the conversation short now he just has the words to say. In 2014, in the words of Juanita (Baby Boy), “Mama gotta have a life too.” Do you know I stopped running and having grown up time because he would cry when I left? He doesn’t go to playdates because he spends a good amount of time under me if I stay there. It’s dope that my son loves me, but I want him to be well rounded and I need to spend time with adults from time to time. We will continue to have our cawfee and tawk on the weekends and our Hot Wheel races, but in 2014 me and The Boy are going to find some friends in our age group.
Move on Up
This year my career fucking (yes, that was necessary) exploded. Everything went super fast after July and I am terrified. Why is all of this happening so fast? Why do these folks have so much faith in me? Am I really that good at what I do? There is a lot of doubt swirling around in my head and this year I am getting rid of that doubt. I have been reading about the Imposter Effect and this best describes how I feel. I was promoted very quickly and sometimes I feel like maybe I am not deserving because I don’t have all my receipts (read: Master’s, etc) and most of what I know is what I taught myself. I expressed this to my mom and she told me that because I am self taught and don’t have my receipts is what probably leaves people in awe. So, I am going to bask in my awesomeness and keep on pushing.
You Can’t Keep Running Away
I am running the Marine Corps Marathon. Training starts January 5th. I hope I keep all of my toenails and my knees cooperate.
Don’t Judge A Book By It’s Cover
This year I discovered that I missed out on a LOT of great TV because I made judgements about the shows just by looking at the previews. The two that come to mind are Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy. I initially thought Breaking Bad was just about man who was bored with life and just started doing a bunch of crazy shit, like in American Beauty. We all know that couldn’t have been further from the truth. I recently got into Sons of Anarchy which I thought was a show about people taking over a town and living in anarchy (I know…). Again, I was wrong as the day was long. Both of these are really good shows that are a hell of a lot better than the reality TV I have been consuming in the past years. So this year I want to expand my horizons when it comes to my entertainment because who knows what I am missing.
I won’t be doing any partying tonight, I am going to bring in the New Year with The Goonies and thank God for another year of us all being together. See y’all next year!