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2013: What Was Important

31 Dec

 

I can be the world’s biggest crybaby complainer, but I really want to express how good 2013 has been to me.  There are many a day where I stop and look at my surroundings and I cry because I am SO far from where I was.  People get tired of my wide eyed wonder at everything, but I spent the last 18 years of my life believing that I would never go far.  Sometimes I think of how big my gravitas had to be to pack up my whole life and move 200 miles away.  I can’t believe that I am that person….some days I still can’t believe that I am that person.  With that being said, I want to highlight some of the awesomeness of 2013.

My Junior Margot Tennebaum

My daughter and I have struggled  a lot in our relationship.  Since I am all about honesty, I was a crappy mother for about three years of her life.  During that time she virtually lived at my mother’s house while I first battled with mental illness and then with “the ex-husband.”  There was a time I thought that she and I would never get back on track.  She never says it, but she took a big leap too moving up here as well.  With my parents she had stability, whereas with me, things in the past had been rocky.  When we moved here, I made it my business that there would be no bald headed games.  I wanted her to feel comfortable and to most importantly I wanted her to trust me.  While we got where we were going in the trust department, the more I talked to her the more I realized that I didn’t know much about her, this broke my heart in a way that words could never explain.  This year I promised I would listen more and with that I got to see I have the most AMAZING daughter in the world.  She can DRAW!  She loves musicals! Robyn is her favorite musical artist!  She wants to be an orthopedic surgeon when she grows up!  She wants to go to James Madison!  She’s and introvert!  I feel so horrible that she got lost in the shuffle of my life but I thank God everyday that I am still here to make it right.  The goal this year is to continue to listen to her and nurture the person that she is.

My Little Husband

I will preface this by saying I love my son.  He is just a delicious little ball of energy.  He is confident, knows what he wants and outspoken.  I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I am pretty sure I am his favorite person in the world.  Shoot, I KNOW I am his favorite person in the world.  This is really sweet, but the line between mother and son is starting to get a little hairy.  When we were at my mother’s house he was sitting on my lap while I talked to my mom and mid conversation he put his hand on my mouth and said, “Don’t talk.”  I moved his hand and kept talking and he started crying, screaming, “I don’t want you to talk to anyone!!!!!!!” Whoa.  I tried to explain to him that he was not the only person I know in the world and he just cried louder.  After 5 minutes of this he announced that, “Now you can talk, Mama.”  This isn’t something that just started, he’s always been this way.  If he sees me talking to someone he will do everything in his power to cut the conversation short now he just has the words to say.  In 2014, in the words of Juanita (Baby Boy), “Mama gotta have a life too.”  Do you know I stopped running and having grown up time because he would cry when I left?  He doesn’t go to playdates because he spends a good amount of time under me if I stay there.  It’s dope that my son loves me, but I want him to be well rounded and I need to spend time with adults from time to time.  We will continue to have our cawfee and tawk on the weekends and our Hot Wheel races, but in 2014 me and The Boy are going to find some friends in our age group.

Move on Up

This year my career fucking (yes, that was necessary) exploded.  Everything went super fast after July and I am terrified.  Why is all of this happening so fast?  Why do these folks have so much faith in me?  Am I really that good at what I do?  There is a lot of doubt swirling around in my head and this year I am getting rid of that doubt.  I have been reading about the Imposter Effect and this best describes how I feel.  I was promoted very quickly and sometimes I feel like maybe I am not deserving because I don’t have all my receipts (read: Master’s, etc) and most of what I know is what I taught myself.  I expressed this to my mom and she told me that because I am self taught and don’t have my receipts is what probably leaves people in awe.  So, I am going to bask in my awesomeness and keep on pushing.

You Can’t Keep Running Away

I am running the Marine Corps Marathon.  Training starts January 5th.  I hope I keep all of my toenails and my knees cooperate.

Don’t Judge A Book By It’s Cover

This year I discovered that I missed out on a LOT of great TV because I made judgements about the shows just by looking at the previews.  The two that come to mind are Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy.  I initially thought Breaking Bad was just about man who was bored with life and just started doing a bunch of crazy shit, like in American Beauty.  We all know that couldn’t have been further from the truth.  I recently got into Sons of Anarchy which I thought was a show about people taking over a town and living in anarchy (I know…).  Again, I was wrong as the day was long.  Both of these are really good shows that are a hell of a lot better than the reality TV I have been consuming in the past years.  So this year I want to expand my horizons when it comes to my entertainment because who knows what I am missing.

I won’t be doing any partying tonight, I am going to bring in the New Year with The Goonies and thank God for another year of us all being together.  See y’all next year!

 

 

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New Rules: Christmas

21 Dec

Today I earned this giant glass of wine I am sipping while typing this. As usual, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. In previous years I had to wait due to financial constraints but this year, I waited because I knew the sales would be awesome an I was right. The other reason I waited is because I could not find a sitter to watch the Goons so I could buy their gifts. This is where I had to think a little creatively. Instead of praying they wouldn’t see their gifts ill hidden under a furnace filter in the shopping cart, I decided an upfront approach. I took them to Target (put a pin in that) and told them they could get three things they each wanted. They LOVED it! Afterwards we headed over to IKEA where I was able to sneak in a little shopping because of the indoor play place. Then we finished the night off with their favorite meal (Spaghetti) and we watched TV. While I watched them enjoying their gifts I decided this was going to be the new tradition. Since we normally spend Christmas at my parents, the weekend before Christmas will be our own little celebration. Even better, it will run the entire weekend and next year I plan to take them to Deep Creek for the weekend and we’ll make it a big deal. So yes, my children will get to celebrate Christmas TWICE. Whoever said necessity is the mother of invention never lied!

Where In the World Is Victoria Page?

1 Dec

To put it plainly, I have been working at my day job, preparing for the holidays and wrapping up my next to last semester. I promise more post this month, and barring and fuckery with the shipping of my new microphone I’ll have a few podcast sprinkled here and there. That’s all for now, Thanksgiving recap tomorrow!

An Open Letter To Martha Stewart, From A Blogger (Not An Expert)

24 Oct

I thought I was the only one.

Last Sunday, I – like many – spent the majority of my day relaxing and perusing around the Internet. For the most part, I was just minding my own business. I giggled at memes of Grumpy Cat. I issued the obligatory Facebook ‘happy birthday’s and ‘congratulations on your umpteenth pregnancy’s. I pinned a bagillion-and-one Halloween projects to Pinterest. Like I said: pretty much minding my own goddamned business.

Eventually, I did as I always do: gave in to the temptation of the Google News Aggregate. I have a love-hate relationship with the news. For the most part, I believe it to be biased, uninformed, lacking facts, and discouraging. All over the world people are dying of famine, terrorism, disease; and the top stories are generally about Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. It (sort of) leaves a sour taste in my mouth; but then I say “sort of” because I also like…

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House Shading and Craigslist

23 Oct

This is not my house. It just plays one on TV.

The weekend is approaching, and I am just a big old ball of nerves.  What if my parents hate my house?  What if they shade me?  Will I be able to handle a second round of “All the Ways Your House Sucks?”  Will my dad refuse to come to my house again and stay holed up in the hotel?  Did I also mention that ALL of my flowers have died in my front yard?  To add to it my sister decided to tell him I needed help “fixing” my house and instructed him to bring his tools.  I appreciate this, but as I have documented here, my dad and I have a very bizarre relationship.   We rarely communicate with one another, it’s mostly through my mother or my sister.  I don’t really feel a particular way about it, I just wish people would stop trying to make this relationship “happen.”  I think my dad and I are in the place that we are in and it will be that way until one of us drops.  Whenever we try to have a conversation it just feels forced and awkward, and you know I don’t do awkward.

I did score a sweet IKEA couch from Craigslist today for the low price of twenty dollars.  It is the EXACT same couch I was about to since 200 dollars into on Friday.  This all worked out because as you may or may not know, I have an issue with what things cost.  I don’t know if this is some kind of legit disorder, but I think 200 dollars is a ridiculous amount to pay for a couch.  It is a couch.  For me, it is vehicle for me to watch endless episodes of Law and Order SVU, while filling my face with guacamole and chips.  Plus I have a preschooler, at some point something will get spilled on it and I don’t need that kind of frustration in my life.

This weekend I entered the world of application development with my shiny copy of Adobe Flex and so far it has been pretty easy to use.  For the past year I have been wanting to create a few mobile apps for things I feel would be useful.  I don’t know how much will come of it, but thanks to a friend I do know the process of getting them on to the Android and Apple market is not as hard as I thought.

Time to head off to Physical Therapy and run on the awesomeness that is the Alter-G treadmill!

Quiet Time

12 Oct

So I have a moment and my kids are asleep, and I am in the basement gathering my thoughts. As I ran over the things I was worried about, I began to tense up. I went from attempted relaxation to panic. I need to decorate, I have a conference with The Girl’s teacher this week and I’m trying to gather all the questions I have for her. I need to decorate. My housewarming is in two weeks and I’m a little behind in schedule. All of this along with my work responsibilities, and my mind is racing. As anxiety set in, I said my self, “Take a deep breath.” I did, and it was like a wave of calm came over me. I looked at my surroundings, and I realized I should really be grateful and enjoy my life. This the happy time and I’m sabotaging it with worry and rigid plans. Going forward, I’m am going to ease up because life goes fast and I want to spend the rest of mine enjoying it.

Burnout, Housewarmings, Control, and Housework

9 Oct

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Burn Out

After two months of going at break neck speed in my personal life and my career, I just crashed on Monday.  I believe the term that is used is “burnout.”  On Tuesday, I made the decision to take a mental health day and get some rest.  I didn’t do much resting, but it felt good just be on pause for a minute.  Though that one day to gather my life was nice, I need a real vacation.  I work hard, but I don’t really play that hard anymore.  There are rewards to being driven, but the rewards are no fun if you are not enjoying them.  Starting next week, I am going back to participating in open mic nights, because that was really a good thing for me.  Hell, I may even throw in a night at Patty Boom Boom.

Housewarming

It’s housewarming time!!!!  I was waiting to throw my housewarming once I was finished with all the painting and minor repairs, but I want to really take my time painting and it just looks odd to have a housewarming 4 months after you have moved.  I am really excited to show off my new house, and it won’t be anything too formal nor will there be some kind of “theme” just food, wine, and friends.

Control

As I mentioned before, I have been having a really stressful few weeks, and most of my stress comes from needed to control the “unknown variables” in my life.  The mailing of my lost debit card was one of those variables that drove me crazy last week.  I was all in a panic because I was worried something would happen to the mail that would alter the course of the card getting to me.  I spent five days with my stomach in knots excessively googling how long it actually took for a debit card to arrive.  I didn’t concentrate on much else because that is all I was focused on.  On Thursday, as predicted, the card was in the mail.  I spent four days of my life in a constant state of worry over something that was out of my control.  This is not the first time I have done this, I have a really bad habit of freaking out and getting all stressed out over nothing.  I am looking for a way to turn all of that worrisome energy into something positive.  I have talked about it before but I think yoga would be a good thing for me from a mental health perspective.

Housework

When I bought my house, I really didn’t think about the size of the home and how much more cleaning I would have to do.  Most days I do not get home until 6 and then I am cooking and trying to get The Goons off to bed.  This leaves very little time for through cleaning.  Sure, I am able to keep the kitchen and bathrooms clean, but now that my daughter is involved with activities on the weekend it is becoming hard to keep up with three floors of cleaning.  So this week, I hired a cleaning service to come twice a month for 2 hours each visit.  I wrestled with this for a long time because I didn’t want people to think I was being “bougie” or that I was too lazy to clean my own house.  The simple fact of the matter is, I am a busy lady and I need a little help around the house when it comes to keeping it straight.  Cleaning my son and daughter’s rooms are a task in themselves and laundry is it’s own all day task.  That being said, I don’t mind having some extra hands twice a month to help keep this place clean.

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